Note to sultry-voiced telemarketer chick: When I say your automotive discounts don’t appeal to me because I don’t own a car, what I mean is, I don’t own a car. I know it’s easy to just assume that I’m being my usual coy, teasing self. Or maybe you think it’s more of that cynical, rogue-with-a-heart-of-gold sarcasm that woos the ladies so. But it is not. No, indeed, there exists an actual American city in which most people don’t own cars.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the attention, because I do. But I just can’t see the need for roadside assistance when the vast majority of my travel is by foot, on those very roadsides. Please feel free to call back about other useless things any time, though. I can always tell by the mispronunciation of my name, and the fact that you’re asking for Ms. Anil Dash, that you’re calling Just For Me about a Very Special Offer.